What Exactly is the Honeymoon Phase?
New York City-based dating coach Connell Barrett says that…
The honeymoon phase is the sugar rush of new love — the golden time early in a relationship when you can do no wrong in each other’s eyes. You can’t get enough of one another. Your new partner has no flaws. You just know you’re soulmates. Every day with that person seems like you’re starring in your own rom-com. It’s addictive, even euphoric.
What the Honeymoon Phase Really is
The honeymoon phase is sometimes intentional but otherwise unintentional duplicity in which we introduce our representative selves. It usually takes up to 6 months or less for the representative to start wearing a bonnet to bed, pass gas in front of you, or tell you the sex is terrible. That’s when we start admitting we don’t like their cooking or, the way they wear their clothes. Or, that we don’t care about anything in regard to politics or their love for Latté’s and Double-Smoked Bacon, Cheddar & Egg Sandwiches from Starbucks.
Conversely, during this time we put on an award-winning fanatical performance of who we believe the other person wants us to be.
But Wait, There’s More!
Meanwhile, we float (and live on cloud 9) while imagining unrealistic reveries of who we want them to be.
In short, the honeymoon phase is filled with feelings of euphoria, tons of PDA, heart emojis, and I miss you’s. All coupled with Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore pottery sculpting moments.
However, it isn’t a reality-based scenario built on a lasting solid foundation. Instead, it is destined to explode when slightly shaken and crack like peanut brittle. All while, leaving the two parties marred with emotional bruises and marks because of its unstable nature and (unforeseen) rough underbelly.
The intensity and fullness of love we conjure up when we think about it — the stuff people write poems and songs about.
Hit The Weak Spot
In the movie, “The Hobbit — The Desolation of Smaug,” The dragon Smaug is basically invincible. Everything about him says, powerful. Not to mention the fact that he had scales thick as grandmas buttermilk biscuits that couldn’t be penetrated.
This reminds me of the honeymoon phase.
Nevertheless, in this scene, Smaug meets his untimely demise by the hands of a mere mortal with a bow. All because of the weak spot in his underbelly. The early phases of dating are similar to this. It’s all grand and regal, unseemingly perfect, but dating has a weak spot. The delusion that what the couple is experiencing (the feelings)is real—which it isn’t. And the impeccable (award-winning) act, can be sustained (which it can’t).
So it’s Over Over?
Perhaps—but we still have more than a Dumb & Dumber chance of 1 out of 1 million.
In spite of the challenges we have created for ourselves, the key to overcoming this obstacle is identifying how we arrived at this destination.
It’s not supposed to be hard in the beginning. It’s supposed to be fun.
This mentality is the #1 reason why the honeymoon phase even exists.
In other words, the honeymoon phase is not intentional. It is counterproductive.
"If we talk-more and date-less, we'll have more successful relationships and minimal wasted time."
— Jay Thomas, Founder — Relationships Etcetera, iamhuemaan
So What's Next?
With this in mind, the most crucial mistake we made was not truly committing to the purpose of getting to know each other at the very beginning.
We immersed ourselves in, “fun and entertainment.” That’s pretty much all we did together. Outings, romance, and good feeling activities. We avoid parts like asking tough questions and in-depth conversations. Even understanding the other person’s past, or seeing if you both are properly aligned with your goals, beliefs, and vision for the future were skipped or skimmed.
There has been no true understanding of each other established. Despite all that, the outcome is still surprising to us, as it all comes crashing down.
So, it is possible to fix it?
All relationships have a chance if we’re committed to fixing them. At the same time, it will be difficult to rebound from such a huge mistake. This is because the illusion that has been created by both of us is our reality—we fall infatuated with it. The real world that we both have avoided thus far is filled with happiness, fun moments, [and] challenging yet sometimes painful moments. However, the cold nature of today’s dating culture tells us to forego extending the relationship instead of working on what we have.
With this in mind, most people don’t run headfirst into adversity, hurdles, or differences, we lean towards the innocuous and “feel good” moments.
Get Rid of the Honeymoon Phase
The honeymoon phase only exists because we evade complete transparency in the beginning.
My biggest question is,
Why are we so afraid to tell, or live in our truth? Do we want a relationship so badly that we are willing to ignore and compromise our own happiness?
Sure, we say we’re honest—but are we completely? If we were so honest and forward, there would be no honeymoon phase. You’d see the ups and downs at the beginning, not the end.
To put it differently, our truth would either be on display, understood, and accepted. Or, the other person would quickly make an exit. As a result, removing the honeymoon phase entirely.
Either way, we are not wasting our time or theirs with false advertising or delusions of long-term relationship grandeur based on a fallacy.
Be-See-Thru
When I talk to my clients and followers, I consistently talk about the inordinate focus on, “the date.” Or, the romance that is often portrayed on television. We’re so driven to get to the date, we overlook the key steps of successful dating.
- Transparency about what you want, what you need, who you are, and where you’re going
- Integrity (nothing needs to be said here)
- Effective & Purposeful Communication (listening and speaking)
- Open-Mindedness to the thoughts and ideas of someone other than yourself
- Commitment to a mutual goal
The honeymoon phase is a proverbial glitch in the matrix that can be corrected or completely eradicated with the proper steps from inception.
But it Doesn’t Stop There
To dispose of the honeymoon phase, we must also be absolute in our realness. (AKA. Keep it 100) Understand that differences make the relationship and we shouldn’t avoid them.
To put it another way, show your true self from the beginning. This means the good and the not so great things about us. Also, be ready to ask/answer the tough questions. As a matter of fact, we should even share the areas that need improvement, and the mistakes we’ve made in the past.
Why wait and find out a month down the road this person isn’t compatible with you?
Sharing and showing only the good side of ourselves, or the version that we believe the other person wants to see isn’t authentic and no one can keep that up forever. Eventually, the jig will be up, and the real you will begin to show.
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Let Go of The Fantasy
To sum it up, the elimination of the honeymoon phase does not mean you can’t have fun and be romantic. This principle and process will encourage immediate transparency by removing the “fluff” of the representative and injecting the details you should discuss early on.
Therefore, resulting in a more authentic and intentional journey together.
