There are many ideas being shared that sound good but are ultimately counter-intuitive to our growth and impact our ability to form healthy relationships.

I believe personal responsibility and accountability are necessary for building healthy relationships. We can only control ourselves. So, taking ownership of our thoughts, feelings, words, and actions gives us power.

Mastering your mental game will give you the skills to create something amazing with another person.  

The three trends in this series keep you from taking ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and actions and pull you away from mental mastery.

Let’s first talk about the concept of matching energy.


What is Matching Energy?

Have you seen people share quotes or memes like:matching-energy-meme

Basically, matching energy is conditioning your behavior on the behavior of another person.


How Matching Energy Impacts Your Relationships

Your Character Should Not be Conditional

The entire concept of “matching energy” means you’re conditioning your behavior on what someone else does, not who you are.

Your character should be defined by your values and integrity. It should not be conditioned on what other people do.

You’re making a conscious decision to lower your vibration out of spite. When it comes to a relationship, you can’t have the “wait and see” mindset to determine how you treat someone.


Your Interpretations Isn’t Always Right

We misinterpret things ALL the time. And if you’re out here trying to “match energy” based on something YOU misinterpreted, then where does that leave you?

Let’s get something straight. You create all the energy you feel.

Here’s why. Your thoughts cause your feelings. So it’s your interpretation of someone’s behavior that causes your feelings.

Most of us never step back from that to think deeper about why someone’s behavior triggered those feelings. Or we never ask, “Is there another way to look at this? Is my interpretation of the situation wrong?” We just automatically assume that our thoughts and feelings are right. And that is what gets us in trouble.

Instead of our typical, you did [behavior], now I feel [emotion] it should be I interpreted your behavior as X, now I feel [emotion].

It’s important that we take responsibility for our role in this part of the equation.


You Attract People Like You

I believe we get back what we put out. So if you play the “matching energy” game, you better believe you’re going to attract like-minded people.

Everyone can’t be out here trying to match energy. Imagine two people trying to date who are constantly analyzing what type of “energy” the other person is putting out so they can figure out how to match it.

This sounds exhausting. No wonder people are constantly having negative experiences.


What to do Instead of Matching Energy?

Determine Who You Are and What You Want

Any growth journey starts with determining who you are and what you want.

Imagine you find the perfect partner. What type of person do you want to be for that person, what does that look like and what character traits do you want?

That’s who you need to be all the time regardless of what other people are doing.

That “perfect” person isn’t going to show up for someone with the mindset “I’ll only treat them right IF they treat me right.”

This doesn’t mean let people walk all over you. But when you enter a relationship, be kind and treat them well because that’s who you are. If they don’t reciprocate, then you can move on.


Don’t Assume You’re Always Right

People who have been playing the matching energy game typically assume their interpretation is always right. It’s the benchmark for determining how they should act.

If something arises that bothers you, ask these questions first:

What is it I’m feeling?

What is my explanation for having this feeling?

Why do I believe these feelings are true?

Have I asked that person what their intention was about this situation or am I assuming?

This will help you to pause and think logically instead of having an emotional knee-jerk reaction.


Take Responsibility

In relationships, we tend to place blame on the other person. We don’t think about how we need to change. 

You should constantly pursue growth in all areas of your life – even your relationships – and take ownership of the person you want to be.

If you commit to mastering your mental game and taking ownership of your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions, you will have more positive experiences in your relationship.