Have You Ever Been Ghosted Before?

I’ve been Ghosted numerous times, by employers. Not by someone I was dating. Until now.

Dating is like putting in an application on a job site. You go on an elaborate website and put in your application. Then, you wait and wait until an employer decides to contact you. Typically, you’re called, or emailed, on a job you forgot you had applied for. Next, you go on said interview, where you’re on the hot seat the entire time. You get-grilled, like so many pieces of uncooked chicken. Finally, it’s all over.  Of course, you have no idea if you got the job.

Being Ghosted (A.K.A. “avoidance”) is like, the post-interview process when the employer doesn’t call you back. Even when you believe you had a great interview and established a great rapport. Like a ghost, they disappear. Even after you’ve created a profile, filled out an application, and drove to an interview. All to draw their interest, they ghost with no reply.

Other Instances Of Ghosting

In her blog about Ghosting, Maya Borgueta (a contributor at Huffington Post) says, “Chances are you’ve been [ghosted] before.”

“Ghosting” is when someone you’re dating ends the relationship by cutting off all communication, without any explanation. And we’re not talking about not getting a text back after one awkward OKCupid date, but receiving the ultimate silent treatment after several dates, or when you’re in a committed relationship.

When Ghosting Happened To Me

A while back I met a young lady on one of the popular dating sites. Don’t ask, I have no idea how I arrived at point A. But I’m going to share how I arrived at point B.

I’m on this dating site and can’t even fathom why I’m on there. It was the most gut-wrenching experience ever. It felt like a midnight (while you’re asleep) charlie-horse after a leg workout. Basically, it was worse. From, the profile creation, to understanding, “online-dating etiquette,” I was lost. That being said I went through with it. Finished my entire profile and uploaded pictures. I did everything I was told would garner more attention and, up to my chances of contact. I even listed preferences such as non-smoker, body-type, etc.

Next, I had to sift through profile after profile. Redundant intro after intro. How many times did I see the same information? I started to believe that people just, copied and pasted each other’s profile introductions.

Where Has She Been All This Time?

After several weeks of sifting through photos, winks (flirts), fruitless direct-messenger conversations and emails, I met someone who seemed to be a solid catch. Her profile pictures were on-point, our conversation was electric and we had tons in common.

We decided to take the conversation offline. Nothing changed. It was exactly the same. As you know, that transition can come with a ton of anxiety. You just never know if the chemistry will translate.

Fast forward a week or so, we plan to meet. The first mistake I made was inviting her to a restaurant. I believe you need to be creative when planning a first date. You want to talk and get to know each other on a more personal level, without a ton of noise and interruption.  Parks, museums, ice-cream or coffee shops are great first date ideas. Without the heavy distraction and cost (if that’s a concern you have).

The Night Has Arrived

We had several conversations before meeting for the first time. I preferred it this way. As you know, no plan is foolproof. Talking a ton before the first date is non-negotiable.  No texting, no emailing, no DM’ing. Having a meaningful conversation, where you learn about each other. We often skip this phase and jump straight into dating. This is a mistake.  Also, a reason why so many complain about their dating experiences. They barely talked before going out.

I arrive, and she’s running late (which was OK). The place was packed. By the time she arrived, it was time to be seated.

Later On That Evening

The night continued, the conversation was great, she’s looked amazing. We were talking about earlier dating experiences. That’s when she said something that made me step back. “Yeah, I’ve gone out on dates with guys just to get a free meal.”

I paused for a second.  Then, I said to myself, “no way did she get me, I can’t be this gullible.”

It wasn’t until the bill came that I realized she had ordered 4 drinks, an appetizer, and an entrée. At that very moment, I realized that maybe she got me.

The night continued, we parted ways, and I drove home with this eerie feeling that this woman just took advantage of me. Mind you, she had a great career, she was independent, savvy, with a great sense of humor. What would prompt her to try (and succeed) with this level of trickeration? So I gave her the benefit of the doubt. That is until I never heard from her again.

She Ghosted Me

We exchanged text a few times after that night. However, we never met again. She said she had an amazing time. Yet, would never answer her phone when I called. Eventually, she Ghosted on me.  Completely fell off the edge of the globe into utter nowhereness. Needless to say, I was very upset and left her a stern voicemail about it.

That experience taught me a lot. Funny thing is, I don’t blame online dating. I don’t even blame women. There’s really no one to blame. I vetted her pretty well. There are just people out there with zero respect for others. I had to realize that the hard way.

Points Of Reference

An Elle.com survey revealed that, roughly, 27% of women and 14% of men have been ghosted. The survey also states that 26% of women have both ghosted, and, been-ghosted. For men, it’s 33%. These numbers are alarming.

Why Ghost Someone, When The Solution Is So Easy?

Some would say, Ghosting is cowardly and, that the advent of cell phones and DM’ing, helped to usher this era in.

 

An easy alternative to Ghosting is, to re-grow your heart and simply tell them.  Even if you have to do it via text, just tell them. Furthermore, you’d want closure, and so would the other person.  Everyone deserves the respect they gave you. Remember when they decided to dedicate their time getting to know you?

In hypocritical fashion, most, “Ghosters,” do not like being, “Ghosted.”

In a recent Facebook survey, Pam, 36, stated, “if I just met you, we talked, but I’m not feeling it anymore, no I don’t feel obligated to tell you why. If we had a few conversations, and I start to get distant and you ask, I will tell you. I don’t think it’s disrespectful until feelings have been developed. I also feel like men can handle it better than women. Which is why I seem less sensitive towards them. I personally, don’t like being Ghosted, but I understand why people do it.”

Maya Borgueta also states that one of the best ways to face your fear of conflict is with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) technique called exposure. Exposure means putting yourself into the situation you fear in real-life to gradually lessen your usual anxious responses to the situation. Or, you could simply send a text.

Whatever route you choose, don’t, “get ghost,” without giving a reason. At the very least, send a text (Bums aside).